Do you remember Mr Gold and Mr Silver, the unlikely named duo who cold-called in July to “re-activate” me following my failure to take up their offer of highly geared futures – a form of gambling equivalent to backing a series of 50-1 outsiders at a horseracing meeting – in Bank of America?
The metallic pair, whose website claimed they worked out of Zurich, then went quiet. But these guys never give up on a 'prospect' who told them, as I did, that I could make a $10,000 to $20,000 investment “if I really was comfortable with the proposal”.
The callback
So followed nother marathon call four or five weeks later. What they tried to sell turned out to be an investment where my initial $10,000 would turn into $225,000 by next April – guaranteed risk free.
Claiming “we spoke to you last week” (despite the one-month gap) we're now on first-name terms: Wayne and Freddie. I have no idea if these are the alloy duo or if they are different people altogether. It doesn’t actually matter who they are – it’s my money they are after.
While they talk to me, I can hear other similar calls in the background. It’s all rather chaotic and often they resort to shouting, sometimes at each other. But their monologue/script takes in central bank stimulus packages, forward guidance from the likes of the Bank of England, the manipulation of currency markets by big banks, and Janet Yellen, who heads up the US Federal Reserve. I am supposed to be impressed.
All that glisters
It all leads up to the big scare. “Did you know that the world’s major stock markets are about to go into tailspin?” That’s not totally far-fetched. Many investment experts see present share prices as high although few suggest more than a moderate fall.
Finally, we get around to the investment message (from Wayne as his colleague has now disappeared). “The gold market is where we are now focusing. We are trading its volatility so if the price goes up we make money and if it goes down, we also make money.”
Despite this two-way concept, I am assured that “every major bank analyst says gold will rise to $1,800 an ounce”. It is currently $1,305. I can’t find one major bank willing to predict $500 more, let alone all of them.
The next bits get very complicated although some of the moves are apparently based on “instability” from next month’s Scottish independence vote. My money will go into "seven calls, three puts with a three-point exit strategy". Despite asking for plain English, I have no idea what this means but it sounds ingenious.
The 'no-lose' pitch
The effect of this will be to turn my $10,000 into $31,500 in October if gold rises and a still useful $13,500 if it falls. But obviously it can’t fall as Wayne has already told me that it’s going to $1,800. As he says: “Where’s the risk in that? You can’t lose and you must gain whatever happens.”
The only slight problem that Wayne admits to is if the gold price stays unchanged over the next months. “We’ll take the market’s delta into the equation. Always remember it is my job to manage the risk.” I have no idea what this delta is but it sounds impressive.
The next step comes because “major economies will start to raise interest rates by the end of the year”. That’s possible. “And that will send gold spiralling upwards.”
I am now totally lost other than I understand the good bit, saved for last. Due to his firm’s abilities at the cutting edge of investment strategy, the following six to nine months will see my investment move firstly to $67,500 and then to $225,000. It’s due to something called “just noticeable difference” which appears in psychology rather than investment. And, no, I don’t understand this either.
Family lies
“The last time there was a similar opportunity was in 2009. It may never happen again,” Wayne concluded before handing me over to Matt, his London-accented colleague.
Matt told me that despite the Zurich address on the website, they were really in Barcelona. “Wayne is a pitbull. He never lets go and always gets the best for his clients. He only came over from Miami a fortnight ago.”
I may not have agreed to anything but then Matt welcomed me as a client. “I know it might be premature but congratulations on your investment decisions and welcome to the family.”
Sorry, but this is one 'family' that should be separated.
More on scams:
Claims management firms turn to packaged bank accounts
Scammers cashing in on airline tragedies
The "unusual activity on your account" phishing email scam
Hope for victims caught out by Brazil investment scam